


We're Stars and We're Beautiful

by fangirlscribbles



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow series - Gemma T. Leslie
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:51:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6726586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlscribbles/pseuds/fangirlscribbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The question is easy to ask, surprising even Simon as the words tumble over his lips. “Is it anorexia?”</p>
<p>Baz’s response is this: eyes widening just a fraction, his words too sharp, too fast. “<i>No</i>, Snow, it’s not anorexia – do you even know what that means?” Simon doesn’t notice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're Stars and We're Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic in like a year and also my first for this fandom. Whoo! Anyhow, I was listening to Alessia Cara's [Scars to Your Beautiful](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Em7vc8NWUNY) one night, and it made me think of that scene where Simon is like "is it anorexia?" because Baz doesn't like eating in front of people. Then I just started thinking, and that never ends well.

The question is easy to ask, surprising even Simon as the words tumble over his lips. “Is it anorexia?”  
  
Baz’s response is this: eyes widening just a fraction, his words too sharp, too fast. “ _No_ , Snow, it’s not anorexia – do you even know what that means?” Simon doesn’t notice.  
  
Simon doesn’t notice Baz’s obvious relief when he buys his lie, doesn’t notice the lingering sadness, the desperation, doesn’t notice, doesn’t notice.  
  
Later he’ll hate himself for it.  
  
★★★  
  
It takes him weeks to notice, months. He doesn’t notice until one night, when he’s holding Baz close to him, he realizes he can feel his ribs poking against his skin. Ever so carefully, doing his best not to disturb his boyfriend, he traces feather light fingers across Baz’s ribcage, his collarbone, his thighs.  
  
What he finds scares him to death, but he swallows it down and breathes deeply, resting his head against Baz’s bony chest. Baz breathes a little sigh of contentment and brushes sleepy fingers through Simon’s hair, already halfway to dreamland.  
  
Simon doesn’t sleep.  
  
★★★  
  
He goes to Penelope first, like always.  
  
“When was the last time you saw Baz eat?” he asks her, but she only shrugs.  
  
“He doesn’t eat in front of people, you know that.”  
  
She continues on with what she’s doing. Any other day Simon would ask, because it looks quite interesting, but today he can’t find the will to engage in other people’s business. He stares at her neck for a moment before he sighs and turns around. He’ll have to find help elsewhere.  
  
He realizes soon that, now that the Mage is dead, if Penelope won’t listen Simon has no idea who to turn to. Agatha? She would listen, maybe, but she wouldn’t care much, not to mention she’s too far away to help. Agatha’s parents? No, Simon can’t put this on them.  
  
What about Penelope’s family? He thinks about it for a minute, but comes to the same conclusion as with Agatha’s parents: he can’t put this on them.  
  
★★★  
  
In the end, the first person he tells is a Normal friend from university. They’re eating lunch, his friend is talking about something else entirely, and Simon just says it.  
  
“I think my boyfriend is sick.”  
  
Max pauses halfway through his funny story (which wasn’t very funny at all) and stares at Simon, mouth a little open. “I’m sorry, boyfriend?” he says, blinking stupidly.  
  
Simon mentally kicks himself. He’s never mentioned Baz, or Penelope, or anything about his life outside school to Max. They were his and his alone, his secrets. It would feel ugly having someone know only part of the truth, and only part of the truth is all Max could ever know.  
  
But there’s no turning back now. He’s already said it, and his worry for Baz is overshadowing everything lately.  
  
“Yes, boyfriend,” he sighs. “I never told you because I was worried you’d, like, unfriend me, but… I think he’s sick. Like, really sick.”  
  
Max doesn’t say another word about Simon never having told him, and Simon is so grateful. “Sick how?” is all he says.  
  
Simon spreads his rice all over his plate and a bit of the table with his fork. “Eating disorder,” he murmurs. “I mean, I know he doesn’t like to eat in front of people, so not seeing him eat is not unusual, but lately he’s gotten so thin… He’s just skin and bones, Max.”  
  
“Have you asked him?”  
  
Simon nods. “I did, right when we first got together, but he said no.”  
  
“Of course he’d say no,” Max rolls his eyes. “Especially if you’d only just gotten together and didn’t know each other that well. Ask him again. Tell him you’re worried. Honesty always works best.”  
  
Feeling marginally cheered up, Simon nods and rises to leave.  
  
“Wait, _now_?” Max asks, but Simon is already walking away. “Simon!”  
  
★★★  
  
Baz is late. Simon asked him to meet up right after school, but now it’s almost dark outside and Baz still hasn’t showed up. He’s just about to send another text when the door opens and Baz walks in, smelling of blood.  
  
At least he hasn’t stopped drinking.  
  
“Hey,” Simon says, approaching Baz with a grin and greeting him with a kiss. Baz hums against Simon’s lips, wrapping arms around his waist and pulling him close.  
  
“Hey, yourself. What’s up?”  
  
Simon says nothing, taking Baz’s hand and leading him to his bedroom. Penelope isn’t home, but Simon feels like he needs to sit down for this. Baz gives him a look of confusion when Simon pushes him down on the bed.  
  
For some reason, Baz’s gaze feels more penetrating than usual, and Simon has to look away. His chosen target is his hands in his lap, fingers twisting with nervousness.  
  
“I…” he starts, but finds he can’t finish the sentence. He takes a deep breath, looks up at Baz briefly, looks away. The bed covers are really pretty, how hasn’t he noticed before?  
  
He clears his throat, fingers now tracing the bed cover pattern. Pink roses. Both Penelope and Baz had laughed at Simon when he chose it.  
  
“I’ve been thinking, about a thing,” Simon manages to get out. There’s a lump in his throat that wasn’t there before, and he tries to swallow it down. The next breath he takes is shaky.  
  
Baz’s fingers on his arm are cold, and Simon jerks with surprise. “What have you been thinking about?” he asked. His voice isn’t particularly soft or warm, but his concern still shows. If there’s one thing about their relationship that Simon loves, it’s how well he has learned to read Baz, his expressions and tones of voice.  
  
“You,” Simon says, voice so weak and small it’s barely audible. But then, Baz has super hearing.  
  
The cold fingers on Simon’s arm withdraw, and suddenly he feels more exposed. “Me?” Baz’s voice is guarded now. Simon risks a glance, but there’s no change to his expression.  
  
He takes a deep breath, gathering his courage. “Yeah. Do you remember that first time I ate at your house and I asked if you had anorexia because you wouldn’t eat with us?” Even in the corner of his eye, Simon can see how Baz stiffens and suddenly sits unmoving. He doesn’t even seem to be breathing.  
  
The silence between them is charged, until Simon meets Baz’s eyes and asks, “Did you lie?”  
  
Simon braced himself for many different reactions from Baz, but he is nowhere near prepared when Baz starts crying. It tears at Simon’s heart, and he finds that all he can do is hold him.  
  
“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” Simon whispers into Baz’s hair. “We’re stars, you and I, and we’re beautiful. But I can’t be a star alone.”  
  
He doesn’t know where the words come from, but they make Baz cling to him and breathe a little easier.  
  
★★★  
  
It takes a long time to get better. Baz tells Simon that he only begun to realize after that first, careless question, and he’s been denying it for a long time. They keep it a secret between them, which makes it harder.  
  
“We need to tell someone,” Simon says one morning a few weeks later, after having watched Baz struggle with food for too many painful days.  
  
Baz won’t look at him. Simon sighs and lightly strokes his cheek. “You need help, Baz, real help. I can’t help you more than this.”  
  
Reluctantly, Baz agrees. “I’m doing it for you,” he says, and Simon cries.  
  
★★★  
  
It takes a year, nearly two. No one is sure who’s cried more lately, Simon or Baz or Penelope. It’s definitely Baz who’s yelled more, lashing out in his frustration. Simon did his best not to yell back, but sometimes he lost it.  
  
“I’m definitely better now,” Baz says as they’re eating dinner. What makes Simon so happy is that he says it around a mouthful of food. “I didn’t even realize how bad it was.”  
  
Simon just smiles. There are few things he likes as much nowadays as seeing Baz eat. Baz swallows, pauses his movements, looks at him.  
  
“I couldn’t have done it without you.”  
  
Simon laughs, so he won’t cry. He’s cried enough for a lifetime.  
  
“I love you, Baz.”  
  
Baz pretend gags, making both Penelope and Simon laugh, but then he kisses Simon through his smile. He kisses him again, and again, and again, so many times that Penelope tires of them and leaves the room with a disgusted sound.  
  
Baz’s mouth tastes of the curry chicken he’s been eating, and Simon thinks he’ll never tire of this.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on my [book tumblr](http://afeastforreaders.tumblr.com/) or my messy [personal one](http://smallbabyflower.tumblr.com/)


End file.
